Ŀ
          
            ROTFL Digest!   Volume 1, Issue 6   January, 1994           
                                                                        
                                                                        
         Published by Access Media Systems                              
         Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362  Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653         
                                                                        
       Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes                          
  Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel      ۰
                                                                        
          
                                                                        
                                                                        
       Contents:                                                        
                                                                        
       Editorial                                                        
       True Silly Stories From Around The World                         
       An Offer To Join The Book-Of-The-Month Club		     	   
       Borg On A Hot Tin Roof (The Play)                                
       Christmas At The Redneck Household                               
       Get Rid Of Unwanted People...                                    
       Some Great Top Ten Lists From The C2C Top Ten Conference         
       Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!                                             
                                                                        
                                                                        
          
                                                                          
    Editorial                                                             
    ---------                                                             
                                                                          
    Now that Christmas is almost over, it's time to start avoiding bill   
    collectors and wonder how the heck we figured we were going to        
    pay for all those gifts on our measly salaries! Happy debting         
    to one and all! :)                                                    
                                                                          
    Thanks to the guy who called in to comment on ROTFL                   
    Digest! (Sorry, but I didn't get your name - heck, I barely           
    remember my OWN name!)                                                
                                                                          
    All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original          
    material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will         
    be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be.    
                                                                          

                                                                          
     Ŀ    
      ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it     
      remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may     
      be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii      
      [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314.     
      ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes        
      without the express written consent of the publishers.            
         
                                                                          
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       True Silly Stories From Around The World:                          
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       IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU GIVE UP HOT DOGS                           
                                                                          
       Wasau, Wisconsin - A man placed a dog in an operating microwave    
       oven for 10 seconds, police say. The dog died. Ronald Bouchar,     
       22, was arrested and charged with inhumane treatment of an         
       animal. Presumably, the prison won't serve him hot dogs.           
                                                                          
                                                                          
       A BLESSING IN DISGUISE FOR THE HUSBAND?                            
                                                                          
       Frankfurt, Germany - Angry Edith Werner, 57, divorced her husband  
       Otto, 59, after discovering that he'd been deaf for the past 20    
       years. "He made a fool of me," said Edith. "He'd say 'Yes dear'    
       every time my mouth moved!"                                        
                                                                          
                                                                          
       BUT WHO USES THE POOPER SCOOPER?                                   
                                                                          
       St. Louis, Missouri - A judge in a divorce case ordered the        
       husband and wife to share joint custody of their two dogs - but    
       the pets must get visitation rights with each other. Carla and     
       Tony Julius must meet in a designated parking lot every Sunday to  
       ensure the dogs get to vist with each other for 4 hours.           
       Presently, Carla and Tony get possession of one dog for six days   
       a week.                                                            
                                                                          
                                                                          
       BUT THINK OF WHAT THE GUY WILL SAVE ON SOCKS...                    
                                                                          
       Adelaide, Australia - A sunbather found a pair of shoes on the     
       beach with a pair of feet still in them. Experts are attempting    
       to determine if the feet belonged to a shark-attack victim.        
                                                                          
                                                                          
       A SECOND JOB THAT REALLY PAYS WELL, EH?                            
                                                                          
       Vicenza, Italy - An eyewitness to a bank robbery raced to the      
       police station to report the holdup, and found the culprit behind  
       the counter. Patrolman Paolo Bronzo, 29, was charged with          
       carrying out the $100,000 bank heist. Bronzo later confessed to    
       eight additional robberies. A police spokesman said, "I guess he   
       was moonlighting."                                                 
                                                                          
                                                                          
       IS THAT YOU, MOM?                                                  
                                                                          
       Fort Lauderdale, Florida - Jane Brock sued in court for exclusive  
       rights to the name "Mommy" with her children. Jane was angry that  
       her two children were calling their new stepmother "Mommy Lisa."   
       She won her case in Circuit Court but the decision was later       
       over-ruled on an appeal.                                           
                                                                          
                                                                          
       WHY DIDN'T SHE TAKE A SHOWER INSTEAD?                              
                                                                          
       Philadelphia, Pa. - 440-pound Lisa Scavone, 26, got stuck in the   
       bathtub for two days and had to be rescued by firefighters using   
       the "jaws of life." Lisa's cousin, Angela Scavone, said, "Somehow  
       she got wedged in against the faucet when she leaned back in the   
       tub. The poor thing was wrinkled like a prune from having been in  
       the water for two days." ROTFL Digest thinks she may have been     
       more like a whale than a prune...                                  
                                                                          
                                                                          
       IN THE SAUCE                                                       
                                                                          
       Quebec, Que. - Vincenzo Murdocco, 48, Enzo Gualtieri, 33, and      
       Franco Perroti, 28, were arrested after the RCMP discovered $47    
       million dollars worth of cocaine stashed in tomato paste cans.     
       U.S. customs officials became suspicious after noticing that       
       Murdocco's Quebec food company was importing tomato paste from     
       Panama through Puerto Rico and New Orleans. "Panama is not known   
       for its tomato paste," said RCMP Sergeant Denis Dumas.             
                                                                          
                                                                          
       TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY                                             
                                                                          
       Hope, Arkansas - Tourists from Ohio who had their van stolen in    
       Dallas, Texas, turned the tables on the crooks and stole it back   
       in Hope, Arkansas. Mark and Denise Lewis got back their van by     
       using a spare key on it while it was in a store parking lot.       
                                                                          
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                  Borg On A Hot Tin Roof                                  
                                                                          
       starring Ernest Borgnine and Zsa Zsa Gaborg                        
                                                                          
       The Enterprise is (naturally) in an unexplored                     
       sector of some unknown galaxy when it encounters a                 
       Borg ship.                                                         
                                                                          
       Picard: What are the Borg doing here???                            
                                                                          
       Riker: Assimilating, Sir.                                          
                                                                          
       Picard: This is MY unexplored galaxy and I won't                   
       have the Borg assimilating it before I've had a                    
       chance to play God for some backwards savages, do                  
       you hear me???                                                     
                                                                          
       Riker: Should we attack them, Sir?                                 
                                                                          
       Picard: And get our heads blown off? Plus, how will                
       we fill in the rest of the hour? Who'll advertise                  
       during Star Trek if it's over in five minutes?                     
                                                                          
       Geordi: Perhaps our special guests for this week can               
       help us find a solution.                                           
                                                                          
       Ernest Borgnine and Zsa Zsa Gaborg enter the bridge.               
                                                                          
       Borgnine (looking at viewscreen): Why, I remember                  
       them! Those are the people who killed my father!                   
                                                                          
       Gaborg: And dose are da ones who tried to give me a                
       ticket for speeding, dahling! (to Picard) Please let               
       me go slap them silly!                                             
                                                                          
       Picard: I don't think slapping the Borg silly is a                 
       good plot device. Hmmmmm, I have to figure out a                   
       plot, and fast. (surreptiously looks into the                      
       camera) Viewers are watching.                                      
                                                                          
       Data: I suggest that we beam down to the planet                    
       which the Borg ship is orbiting, then we can be                    
       taken prisoner and spend the rest of the show                      
       desperately trying to escape.                                      
                                                                          
       Picard: Brilliant idea, as usual! I'll lead the AWAY               
       team since otherwise I don't do much besides grump                 
       at the children the Enterprise now drags all over                  
       space.                                                             
                                                                          
       Riker: I'm responsible for your safety, Sir!                       
                                                                          
       Picard: And I'm responsible for this show's ratings!               
                                                                          
       Troi: Shall I prepare to join the AWAY team,                       
       captain?                                                           
                                                                          
       Picard: Will we need eye-candy on the planet? Oh,                  
       what the heck, pack an overnight bag with one of                   
       those skimpy uniforms that only Betazoids wear in                  
       Starfleet.                                                         
                                                                          
       Geordi: Will you be needing my                                     
       computer-nerd-specialist skills on the AWAY team?                  
                                                                          
       Picard: As if you're not the one responsible for                   
       solving all the Borg problems we've ever had! Of                   
       course I do!                                                       
                                                                          
       The AWAY team consisting of Picard, Riker, Troi,                   
       Geordi, Data, Gaborg and Borgnine lands on the                     
       surface of the planet.                                             
                                                                          
       Gaborg: Are you sure we won't get a ticket for                     
       speeding in the transporter, dahling? That trip was                
       very fast...                                                       
                                                                          
       Borgnine: Look! I see someone ahead!                               
                                                                          
       The AWAY team begins walking quickly towards the                   
       person Borgnine has indicated. It is Captain Kirk.                 
                                                                          
       Picard: What are you doing here, Kirk?                             
                                                                          
       Kirk: Reclaiming my glory. I was never given such                  
       worthy opponents as the Borg. Instead, all I got                   
       were Halloween critters, Klingons and Romulans. I                  
       demand the right to show the viewers what Captain                  
       Kirk would do when faced with the Borg.                            
                                                                          
       Picard: This is an outrage! Star Trek viewers are no               
       longer interested in you or your toupee!                           
                                                                          
       Kirk: Let's settle this man to man via judo.                       
                                                                          
       Picard: I don't fight.                                             
                                                                          
       Kirk: See what a wimp the writers have made you?                   
                                                                          
       Picard: I resent that! Data, hit him!                              
                                                                          
       Data: I cannot hit him without reasonable cause. It                
       would interfere with my moral programming.                         
                                                                          
       Picard: Riker, hit Captain Kirk!                                   
                                                                          
       Riker: Well, gee... he's so good in fights. Can't                  
       you just bore him to sleep so we can carry on with                 
       this mission?                                                      
                                                                          
       Kirk: Hah! I'm wearing earplugs so you can't bore me               
       to sleep!                                                          
                                                                          
       Suddenly, there is the sound of footsteps. Several                 
       Borg have been watching this discussion and are now                
       approaching.                                                       
                                                                          
       Picard: It's the BORG! Ready phasers.                              
                                                                          
       Kirk: They'll just redefine their circuitry so your                
       phasers will have no effect. Why don't you let me                  
       handle this?                                                       
                                                                          
       Picard: Never! You're history, Kirk! The sooner                    
       every Star Trek fan forgets about you, the better!                 
                                                                          
       At that instant, Kirk grabs the Borg closest to him                
       and swings him over his shoulder. A battle ensues in               
       which Kirk is naturally the victor.                                
                                                                          
       Picard (looking down at the unconscious Borg): Why                 
       did judo work when peaceful discussion and phasers                 
       did nothing?                                                       
                                                                          
       Kirk: Writer's convenience.                                        
                                                                          
       Data: I suggest we check out that building in the                  
       distance. It could explain why the Borg are on this                
       planet.                                                            
                                                                          
       Riker: Good idea.                                                  
                                                                          
       Troi: I sense something awful is happening in there.               
                                                                          
       Picard: You can't sense anything yet! We still have                
       a half hour to fill!                                               
                                                                          
       The group trudges over to the building. It is very                 
       low and has a lot of electric wires running about                  
       it.                                                                
                                                                          
       Riker: I'm going in. Captain, you wait here.                       
                                                                          
       Riker and Data enter the building.                                 
                                                                          
       Data: Do you think we should have brought Geordi                   
       along?                                                             
                                                                          
       Riker: No, the captain needs someone to explain                    
       modern technology to him.                                          
                                                                          
       A group approaches Riker and Data, but it is not                   
       Borg - it's the crew from the old Star Trek                        
       episodes.                                                          
                                                                          
       Spock: I see our plan worked.                                      
                                                                          
       Scotty: Aye, the chickens are caught in the coop.                  
                                                                          
       Uhura: Aye sir!                                                    
                                                                          
       Spock: The captain is not here. Why do you continue                
       to say "Aye sir"?                                                  
                                                                          
       Uhura: Sorry, Mr. Spock. Force of habit.                           
                                                                          
       Riker: What do you mean, we're caught?                             
                                                                          
       Spock: You've been stealing fame and glory that                    
       belonged rightfully to the original Star Trek                      
       members. We are now obtaining this right by force.                 
                                                                          
       Data: Is this logical?                                             
                                                                          
       Spock: It is to me.                                                
                                                                          
       Data: Then if it's okay for a Vulcan, it's okay for                
       me.                                                                
                                                                          
       Riker (whispering): We have to fight them, Data!                   
                                                                          
       Data: That is useless. As you can see, we are                      
       outnumbered, plus they appear to have the Borg                     
       backing them up.                                                   
                                                                          
       Hundreds of Borg now gather in a circle around the                 
       group.                                                             
                                                                          
       Riker: But... the Borg?                                            
                                                                          
       Spock: They seemed like a logical choice to make an                
       agreement with.                                                    
                                                                          
       Data: Why have they not assimilated you?                           
                                                                          
       McCoy: Writer's convenience.                                       
                                                                          
       Data and Riker both nod their heads in                             
       understanding.                                                     
                                                                          
       McCoy: The Borg got tired of being talked to death                 
       so they approached us with the deal.                               
                                                                          
       Riker: Well, Picard is a bit long-winded...                        
                                                                          
       Scotty: A bit??? Nothing but talk for fifty five                   
       minutes per episode!                                               
                                                                          
       Riker: So why is this episode entitled "Borg On A                  
       Hot Tin Roof"?                                                     
                                                                          
       Spock: Because we're having a BBQ on the roof of                   
       this building and you're the honored guests. We all                
       saw the movie "Alive!" and got to wondering how you                
       guys would taste.                                                  
                                                                          
       Riker: You'll never get away with it!                              
                                                                          
       Just then, Kirk enters with the AWAY team and guest                
       stars. He has his phaser set on "sautee."                          
                                                                          
       Kirk: Are we ready?                                                
                                                                          
       Spock: I believe so, Sir.                                          
                                                                          
       The AWAY team and guest stars are forced to the roof,              
       where the others cook them with their phasers.                     
                                                                          
       Kirk: Ahhh, that was finger lickin' good.                          
                                                                          
       Spock: I do believe you'd have been successful if                  
       you'd chosen to pursue a career in cooking, Sir.                   
                                                                          
       Everyone laughs as the scene fades out.                            
                                                                          
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       Christmas At The Redneck Household   By Sandy Illes                
                                                                          
       It was really hard gettin' a good fire goin' for                   
       Santa, but we managed to do it by settin' a few                    
       crates burnin' in the middle of the livin' room.                   
       The kids began cryin' when the tree caught fire but                
       we just told 'em that Santa would leave an extra                   
       round of ammo in their stockings. That cheered 'em                 
       up a whole lot.                                                    
                                                                          
       We left out the traditional plate of chewin' tobacco               
       and a shot of moonshine for the old fat guy. We sure               
       could never figure out why the old guy had the face                
       of a cherub and the body of Delta Burke.                           
                                                                          
       In the morning, we had to rush out to the highway to               
       find us some dinner. Luckily, we found a deer and                  
       brought it home in the back of the pickup. The                     
       missus commenced to preparin' the meat while I went                
       to see what was happenin' with the kids.                           
                                                                          
       Well, they were just delighted with the gifts they                 
       received. Larry had gotten two rounds of ammo and a                
       new sock that matched the one he got last year;                    
       Darryl got two rounds of ammo and a real live                      
       spider; the other Darryl got two rounds of ammo and                
       a toothbrush (although Lord knows why he asked for                 
       one - he ain't got no teeth!).                                     
                                                                          
       It was just a grand old day, what with the kids                    
       shootin' at each other and the dogs. Spot was killed               
       so we put him in the freezer for tomorrow night's                  
       supper.                                                            
                                                                          
       When we sat down to eat, I didn't expect what Larry                
       said. He said, "We're not going to eat Rudolph, are                
       we???"                                                             
                                                                          
       Well, whaddya know - the deer we'd found on the road               
       was a reindeer and none other than Rudolph the                     
       red-nosed reindeer, at that!                                       
                                                                          
       He tasted delicious!                                               
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
       GET RID OF UNWANTED PEOPLE THE EASY WAY WITH OUR                   
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       Being insane means never having to admit you have a                
       clue about what's going on. People don't expect you                
       to understand anything because they presume you're                 
       too busy listening to Napoleon or your neighbour's                 
       dog to bother with reality.                                        
                                                                          
       Now you, too, can give the impression of insanity,                 
       which will serve to scare away door-to-door                        
       salespeople, Jehovah's Witnesses, your                             
       neighbour's children, and all of your friends and                  
       relatives. Enjoy the peace and quiet you deserve in                
       your own home!                                                     
                                                                          
       In just 5 easy lessons, we'll teach you how to act                 
       like a raving lunatic! At the low, low price of only               
       $99.95 per lesson, you won't believe the results!                  
                                                                          
       Here's just a sample from our lessons:                             
                                                                          
       LESSON 1: A salesperson rings your doorbell very                   
       insistently. You just got out of the bath and don't                
       want to answer the door, but he won't go away.                     
                                                                          
       Solution 1: Answer the door in the nude and throw                  
       yourself into the salesperson's arms. Whisper how                  
       much you've missed him and ask if he brought the                   
       herpes ointment.                                                   
                                                                          
       Solution 2: Throw on a robe, grab a Bible, and                     
       answer the door while quietly reciting prayers.                    
       Tell him the Apocalypse is coming any minute and you               
       must save him right away.                                          
                                                                          
       Solution 3: Call the police and tell them there's a                
       prowler at your house. This will inconvenience the                 
       salesperson while he explains what he's doing there.               
       With any luck at all, he won't have his license with               
       him and will have to go down to the station and call               
       his boss.                                                          
                                                                          
       LESSON 2: You are on a subway and a long-haired,                   
       sinister looking man is staring intently at you.                   
                                                                          
       Solution 1: Fall on the floor and pretend to have a                
       seizure. When he comes near, hit him repeatedly in                 
       the face.                                                          
                                                                          
       Solution 2: Begin loudly singing songs praising                    
       Satan.                                                             
                                                                          
       Solution 3: Studiously pick your nose, taking great                
       care to show off the contents. Offer to pick his                   
       nose for him.                                                      
                                                                          
       Yes, for only $99.95 we guarantee that you will be                 
       taught how to act like a raving lunatic! How can you               
       pass up such a great offer? You'd have to be crazy!                
       Call to order:                                                     
                                                                          
       In Canada: 1-800-CRAZY-EH                                          
       In the US: 1-800-GOT-A-GUN                                         
       In Italy:  1-800-IMA-NUTS                                          
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Some great Top Ten lists collected in the City2City Top Ten conference!  
 Whine at your Sysop until he agrees to carry the C2C Top Ten             
 conference, okay? :)                                                     
                                                                          
 From: RICHARD PLATEL                                                     
                                                                          
 TOP TEN THINGS I DIDN'T KNOW, AND DIDN'T CARE                            
                                                                          
 10: There are more left-socks in the world than right.                   
  9: If you lined up all of Canada's MPs, head to toe, they still         
     wouldn't reach a point.                                              
  8: The Thar desert is the world's ninth largest.                        
  7: Floccinaucinihlipipification  is a word.                             
  6: December 31, 1999 is going to be a Friday.                           
  5: E is the most common vowel in the English language.                  
  4: There are three more items on this list.                             
  3: Number 7 means "the act of estimating something to be worthless."    
  2: There's no fool like an old fool.                                    
  1: This is an anticlimax.                                               
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Banks That Rejected Rich As A Customer:                          
                                                                          
 10. National Bank Of No Refunds.                                         
 9.  National Bank Of Our Lady Of Perpetual Poverty.                      
 8.  National Bank Of No Tellers.                                         
 7.  National Bank Of Big Lineups.                                        
 6.  National Bank Of Rude Credit Managers.                               
 5.  National Bank Of Chained Pens.                                       
 4.  National Bank Of No Withdrawls.                                      
 3.  National Bank Of Interest Leeching.                                  
 2.  National Bank Of Spasmodic Savings.                                  
 1.  National Bank Of On-The-Take Moderators.                             
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Things Better Than Being A Couch Potato:                         
                                                                          
 10. Being a couch tomato.                                                
 9.  Sticking marbles up your nose.                                       
 8.  Draining all the blood from your body to see if it's really 8 pints. 
 7.  Curing a headache by shooting yourself in the foot.                  
 6.  Writing letters to people you don't know and addressing the          
     envelopes to "Occupant."                                             
 5.  Accidentally poking yourself in the eye while trying to put out the  
     fire in your hair.                                                   
 4.  Participating in a Spam-eating contest.                              
 3.  Setting your hair on fire because you're too cheap to pay for a      
     trim, plus it feels so good when it stops.                           
 2.  Loving potato salad so much that you marry it.                       
 1.  Winning the C2CTTCTTLOTM contest!                                    
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Things Fred Flintstone COULD Have Said, But Didn't:              
                                                                          
 10. With a cold: Yabba dabba ahhhhhhhhhhhh-choooooooo!                   
 9.  As a chef: Yabba dabba fondue!                                       
 8.  As a confused Frenchman: Yabba dabba perdu!                          
 7.  As a paste-up artist: Yabba dabba glue!                              
 6.  As a footwear salesman: Yabba dabba shoe!                            
 5.  When he's dead: Yabba dabba BOO!                                     
 4.  When he meets a skunk: Yabba dabba phew!                             
 3.  With Alzheimer's Disease: Yabba dabba who???                         
 2.  When he regresses to his second childhood: Yabba dabba goo goo!      
 1.  If he's reincarnated as a cow: Yabba dabba moooooooooo!              
------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
                                                                          
 From: SANDY ILLES                                                        
                                                                          
 Top Ten Things SPAM Goes Best With:                                      
                                                                          
 10. Eggs.                                                                
 9.  Lime Jello.                                                          
 8.  A stomach pump.                                                      
 7.  Indigestion.                                                         
 6.  A very low IQ.                                                       
 5.  Fish heads on a rotting newspaper.                                   
 4.  A chronic inability to taste food products.                          
 3.  More SPAM.                                                           
 2.  And yet even more SPAM.                                              
 1.  All the SPAM in the world.                                           
                                                                          
Ĵ
                                                                          
´
JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES

                                                                          
 To be sung to the tune of The Christmas Song by Nat "King" Cole:         
                                                                          
 Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire                                       
                                                                          
 Chipmunks roasting                                                       
   on an open fire.                                                       
 Their eyes bulge out,                                                    
   as they explode.                                                       
                                                                          
 Machine gun fire,                                                        
   opens up on the crowd.                                                 
 And folks fall down                                                      
   like dominos.                                                          
                                                                          
 Everybody knows,                                                         
   an uzi and some hand grenades,                                         
     help to make the season bright.                                      
                                                                          
 Tiny tots,                                                               
   bound and gagged in their beds,                                        
     will find it hard to sleep, tonight.                                 
                                                                          
 They know that Santa's                                                   
   on his way.                                                            
 He's got a chainsaw,                                                     
   and he's gonna make 'em pay.                                           
                                                                          
 And every mother's child                                                 
   is gonna spy,                                                          
 To watch their Daddy shoot                                               
   those reindeer from the sky...                                         
                                                                          
 And so I'm offering                                                      
   this simple phrase.                                                    
 For the tots by now,                                                     
   are turning blue.                                                      
                                                                          
 Although it's been said                                                  
   many times many ways...                                                
                                                                          
 Merry Christmas.... to You.                                              
Ĵ
                                                                          
                Pinocchio's Lesson                                        
                                                                          
 Pinocchio: I can't seem to get anywhere with the girls. They             
            always complain about splinters.                              
                                                                          
 Gepetto: That's easy to fix. Just take some sandpaper and sand it        
          smooth.                                                         
                                                                          
 A few days later .....                                                   
                                                                          
 Gepetto: So Pinnochio, are you having any luck with the girls now?       
                                                                          
 Pinocchio: Who needs girls?                                              
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Q:  Why did some Bohemian radicals throw Vaclav Havel off of a tall      
     building?                                                            
 A:  They wanted to see if the Czech would bounce.                        
Ĵ
                                                                          
 Q:  How does Herpes leave the hospital?                                  
 A:  On crotches.                                                         
Ĵ
    A Swede, a Norwegian, and a Finn all worked on the same               
  construction site. The Swede looked in his lunch pail and said          
  "Tuna fish!  Yuk, I hate tuna."  The Norwegian looked in his            
  lunch pail and also exclaimed "Tuna fish?  Yuk! I hate tuna!"           
  The Finn  then looked in his lunch pail and exclaimed "Tuna             
  fish?  Yuk!  I yust HATE Tuna!"  So they didn't eat that day.           
    The next day, the Swede looked in his lunch pail and said "UFF        
  DA!  Herring sandwich!!!"  The Norwegian looked in his lunch            
  pail and saw lutefisk.  "My wife finally got it right, yust in          
  the knick of time!!" exclaimed the Norwegian.  The Finn looked          
  in his lunch and saw tuna fish, so he flung himself off of the          
  building in a fit of rage.  The next day, at the Finn's wake,           
  the Swede and the Norwegian stopped by and saw his wife.  They          
  went over and said "We really liked him.  He was a good pal."           
  To which the wife said, "Ya, and he was considerate, too.  He           
  even packed his own lunch."                                             
Ĵ
Did you hear John Bobbit got a new girlfriend?                            
But now he's unattached.                                                  
Ĵ
Did you hear John Bobbit was having phone sex the other night?            
He got cut off.                                                           
Ĵ
Did you hear John Bobbit is suing his wife?                               
He wants severance pay.                                                   
Ĵ
I hear the Bobbits are getting back together again.  It seems he          
doesn't have any hard feelings anymore.                                   
Ĵ
 What has 98 feet but only 14 teeth?                                      
                                                                          
 The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.                                
Ĵ
 One payday an employee received an unusually large cheque. She decided   
 not to say anything about it. The following week, however, her cheque was
 for less than the normal amount, and confronted her boss.                
                                                                          
 "How come," the supervisor inquired, "You didn't say anything when you   
 were overpaid ?"                                                         
                                                                          
 Unruffled, the employee replied, "Well I can overlook one mistake - but  
 not two in a row!"                                                       
Ĵ
   When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the          
   Atlantic, the travel agent decided to have a little fun. "You can      
   go first class for $400.00, second class for $250.00, third class      
   for $150.00...OR you cans swim alongside the boat for $20.00 plus      
   tax."                                                                  
                                                                          
   "What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot.           
Ĵ
 Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.  We asked      
 how they prepare their chickens.                                         
                                                                          
 The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."                
Ĵ
  There was a fellow who didn't want to dance because he felt that he     
 had two left feet. Then he found out his feet were fine.  It was the     
 two left shoes that bothered him.                                        
Ĵ
  He led her closely as they moved around the dance floor.   After the    
 fifth time he'd stepped on her toes, he said, "I can't understand it.    
 I never danced so badly before."                                         
  "Oh," she said, "you've danced before?"                                 
Ĵ
 What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Poo have in common?              
 Same middle name.                                                        
Ĵ
       A man came home from work and said, "Honey, I just won             
       $6 million in the lotto, go upstairs and get packed!"              
                                                                          
       His wife says, "That's wonderful!!  What should I pack?"           
                                                                          
       The man says, "I don't care, just be out of here by morning!"      
Ĵ
 "Honk if you want to see an Uzi fired from my car window"                

